(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF