Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Does this dress make me look cat?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol