Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
You Might Also Like
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.