Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.