Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
No one :
Me when I swimming :
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.