Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Perfect
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.