Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: Unless I had ketchup.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..