@aka_fatman

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

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@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

@david8hughes

[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no

@JohnLyonTweets

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@BobTheSuit

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

@WorkaholicBlake

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.

Unbelievable

@LostFelicia

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

@faizziy

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..