INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
These are too funny not to post 😂
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
#catsoftwitter
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Stick it to the man
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.