@prufrockluvsong

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

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@PaperWash

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@heidi420x

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@Sal0630

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee

@jackiembouvier

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

@Ygrene

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

@JustMeTurtle

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!