Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

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If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.


Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!


I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”


Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.


What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?


Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Me: anymore?


You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*


Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick