*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!