Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Banana is the quietest snack
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Sooo many times…..
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊