Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Cool shirt 🙂
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what