Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
fa: thimble of soda
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too
Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.