Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Has science gone too far?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My blood type is b hungry.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The devil.