@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

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@Quartzjixler

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

@golub

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

@squirrel74wkgn

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@Kobykincaid

One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@lisaxy424

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED