me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED