No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
we’re gonna need another temp
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Holy shit he’s back
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle