[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
😍😂🥰😂😍
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.