Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
You Might Also Like
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.