Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…