Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

How is it still this week?

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.