[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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Expectations vs. Reality
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
You have been warned.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon