@ellewasamistake

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

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@cookie_mumbles

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

@UnFitz

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

@Kendragarden

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

@SteveKoehler22

Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.

@amselts

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

@buhsbaby_baby

As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow’s family Easter egg hunts.

@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@ndiquote

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.