infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

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Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?


If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college


Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.


After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet


As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow’s family Easter egg hunts.


My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.


If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.