@vincevangone

Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@MadameSnippy

I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.

@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.

@SteveAmiri

July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@skittle624

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.