@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
@vincevangone
Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”
Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!
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@NewDadNotes
@bridger_w
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
@MadameSnippy
I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.
@JosesLovesYou
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
@XplodingUnicorn
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
@SteveAmiri
July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.
@BakedBrotatoes
*girl rests her head on my shoulder*
-Are you flexing?
-No
@omgthatspunny
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
@JohnLyonTweets
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
@skittle624
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.