@Browtweaten

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

- @Browtweaten

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@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@SaltyCorpse

Me: Do you have any towels in your room?

My son watching tv: No.

Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I’LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.

My son: Hang on

@TheAlexNevil

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

@PyrBliss

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@brynnester

Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping

@Shade510

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

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@aveuaskew

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

@Bluestmoon_

I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos