Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.