[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.