@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

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@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@HatfieldAnne

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

@kumailn

“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@50FirstTates

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@OakHill_

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.