INFORMER!!!
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A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
How to woo a woman
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this