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8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch


Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner


Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.


Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.


You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.


ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship


ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya


Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today


Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.


I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.