*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

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Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*


Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man


*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help


i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone


A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too


[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did


[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”


Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778


*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*


Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.