@Faceyspace

Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@GrantTanaka

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@SondraDeeMe

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.

@KimBackWrites

Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found