Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.

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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.


son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS


When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone


When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.


Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.


Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.


I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found