bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.