Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?


I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.


Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*


“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?


Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.


Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on