Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
This took me a second..
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.