Me: hand me my tools
7: call someone for help
7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.