Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before
I now have 8 apps to communicate with the same people.
a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?