@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

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@DaddyJew

*something breaks

Me: hand me my tools

7: call someone for help

Me: no

7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again

@RickAaron

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

@TheBoydP

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

@Marlebean

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@OyVeyLady

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

@AtticusFinch79

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

@Lisabug74

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.