@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

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@DrakeGatsby

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@ImTawanda

1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before

@nurserycrimes

a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@4handfuls

AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…

@Mom_Overboard

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

@better_off_dad

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

@JPLFR80

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?