INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You Might Also Like
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I’m being attacked 😭
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.