INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

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A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”


Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.


6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?



Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.


Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


I can’t believe how different life was before


Al Gore invented the Internet


[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?


I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.