Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@hoedeehoe

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

@briangaar

[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@_CherriAnn_

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

@radtoria

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@tomsegura

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

@enigmaticmess

I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.