You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
-Do u want the buffet?
-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.