Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@EyeSeeYou619

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@Birdhumms

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

@QwertyJones3

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

@daemonic3

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

@Skoogeth

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

@TheBoydP

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

@bobsaget

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@LeannaZaiden

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.