“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.