[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.