Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.