Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
forgive me baja for i have blast
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.