I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.