Inside of you there are two wolves. You are a poorly stocked claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese.

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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.


The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.


Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.


Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.


70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots


Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake


Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.


*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.