My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me too 😆
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Just a bush.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
broke down and did it
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
put ‘er there pardner!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco