@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

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@imence2

Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@iwearaonesie

complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@Wine_Honey1

Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.

@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

@g0m

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

@UnFitz

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@kelly__le

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”