Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

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Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle’s skull.


I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.


please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff


I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank


TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


If a cheesecake has fruit on it, is it ok to eat for breakfast?

Asking for me.


Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.