Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.
Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”