Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Something Saturday.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!