Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
pat pat
How it started: How it’s going:
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.