inside you are two wolves
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.