Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
OH. COME. ON.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Owl Sanctuary
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Love this one 😂🧟
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.