Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
the icebreaker
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.