Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…