Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.