Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

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[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories


Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool


If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.


I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.


[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.


Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.


Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.


Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”