Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out