#inspiration #foodforthought
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me refusing to leave twitter
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
SPLOOT
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present