Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*


Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.


2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not


Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.


My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.


Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.


Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.


[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”


Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops


I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair