My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[my first poker game]
OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*
ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy
New Coworker: So do you have any kids?
Me: Yeah, one too many
New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.