@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

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@juliussharpe

My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.

@abbycohenwl

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

@ericsshadow

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

@SeanINCypress

Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@sonictyrant

[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy

@Mr_Kapowski

New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.