ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.