Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”