inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey