As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Do not levitate over flowers
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking