Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
This week’s mood.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?