My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor